The Nature of Loss

Over the years I have learned that I love hard and feel loss deeply, I know many do. My heart breaks for every wife who loses her husband and for every family who has to endure the grief of losing someone they love. Grief looks different for each of us and strikes at different times, and it is never easy.

Every life taken is a tragedy that leaves a ripple of pain behind. When my family experiences grief, it is heavy. Heavy, often, and forever. When my students experience a loss, it is heavy. This weekend I prayed to understand why the national heartbreak of the last few days has hit me so deeply. From a terrible train ride, when I saw the video I didn’t know who the woman was. Though I should have, her life mattered. Furthermore, she should never have died alone. To a school shooting, far too close to home. I feel deeply for the families whose loss is permanent, and for the students and teachers who now fear returning to school, their lives forever changed. To a tragic assassination, and to all of the loss that never reached mainstream news… my heart has hurt.

I have tried to understand what made my response to Charlie Kirk’s death have magnitude, because it pierced my soul so deeply. I think it was because it happened so publicly and in such a graphic way… something most families are not forced to endure. This does not lessen the pain of other losses, and it does remind us how fragile and precious life is. We need compassion for one another in moments like these. Especially in a week that held so many trials.

This weekend I was blessed by time with my family, uninterrupted and spent in nature. My heart has broken and filled over and over again these last few days. I am only one person, one who prays for understanding and truth. I needed deep personal reflection to understand the emotions I was feeling, to know how to process them and move forward, all while aiming to do better and to be better. In the end, I may never fully understand the depth of these emotions or the reasons behind such loss, in any capacity. I trust that God does. My prayer is that He continues to guide my heart toward compassion, understanding, and love. And that He brings comfort and healing to every soul who grieves.

Summer Fun!

Did you just look at the calendar and realize there are only two weeks left of summer break for your kiddos?! Wishing you could fit in one last hurrah? I would love to tell you about our most recent water adventure that the WHOLE family LOVED!

Waterworks Park, in Pueblo, CO (linked)

On Monday this week we loaded up our van with all seven of us, life jackets, tubes, boogie boards, and a picnic. We took off to check out the Waterworks Park. I get really nervous trying things for the first time with Tim or guests... I want to know all the tips and tricks and get the kinks worked out with low stakes. Thankfully I had a tip from one of my past professors on where to park and the day was flawless! I want to share our tips with you so you don’t have to worry about trying it for the first time with your family. 

Things to know: 

• Where to park (picture and also info in the link above).
• Life jackets are required for all swimmers (Walmart has a great 2 for $20 on the 50-90lb jackets)
• Tubes are fun, but not necessary ($4.95 at Walmart)
• Walk the whole area first so you can access which area might be best for your kiddos. Our girls were fine, but they are use to the river and currents. We were pretty happy to have a good adult to kid ratio. 
• Bring a wagon - this is a must, it's a bit of a trek down (and back up) from the car. 
• Bring lunch, and more snacks, and water than you think you might need, because I have a feeling you won't want to leave!
• Water shoes might be helpful ... we are used to not wearing them, but at the same time I was wishing I had my Chacos. 

Throughout the day we all said, "This is awesome," on repeat. At the end of the day it really felt like we had a full day at a water park! The best part was that even with purchasing one life jacket and some tubes, I think we still came out at about 1/20th of the price it would have cost for us to all go to Water World. And there were NO lines, and NO traffic. It was a quick 44 minute drive from our rental house and we are pretty excited that it will only be about a 25 minute drive from our house in Penrose next summer! 

Please reach out if you have any questions, I can't wait to see the pictures and videos of you and your family if you choose to visit and enjoy this space! 

T1D Barbie Thoughts

 

Mattel announced on Tuesday that it would launch its first Barbie doll with Type 1 Diabetes. Within the first 24 hours I was sent the information or tagged by four individuals. While I appreciate the normalization for my daughter and other T1D’s out there, I struggle internally with the concept. 

I absolutely hope and pray that more individuals are willing to see devices on others and have understanding and knowledge versus gawking, pointing and whispering. I appreciate the heart behind the concept of normalization through play. I find myself asking, does it take a doll for this to happen? In the same breath, I will forever wish that diabetes wasn’t a thing. 

According to Beyond Type 1, in the U.S. there are approximately 64,000 people diagnosed with type 1 diabetes each year. That means the number of cases of T1D are on the rise, so much so that Barbie is willing to take a gamble to create a doll for profit in this population. There are now enough kids with the disease that they know they will not take a loss of profit by putting the dolls on shelves. Note: At this point it is unclear if any proceeds from the doll will go to diabetes research at all. 

In the early days of Karoline’s diagnosis we paid for her devices, treatment and insulin as cash pay patients. We paid at least $1,100/month. The lifelong change, daily struggles, the cost associated with this disease are astronomical hits on the individual and their family. So, to see a doll that has been created to make even MORE money off individuals with this disease is disheartening. 

I do want to note that when Karoline was diagnosed she did receive the T1D kit for her American Girl doll and appreciated it. She also has since put her pump sets on dolls and stuffed animals. It is nice to have normalization in her life. As her mom I will forever and always wish that a T1D “doll kit” or a Barbie doll with diabetes wasn’t a thing. I wish things like this didn’t exist, because I wish the disease didn’t exist. 

We are so thankful for all of the support we have in our lives for Karoline. May I ask a favor? Keep praying for a true cure, one that allows Karoline’s pancreas to fully function again on its own, and for it to happen soon. Even further, let’s pray that there is a way to figure out what causes a pancreas to quit so that we can prevent the need to correct a faulty pancreas. 

Update: One Month Post Moving

I’ve had the urge to write lately and I’ve had more and more thoughts in my head for stories to write. Yet, before I can do this I have to be able to write something to completion. I’m opting for a quick little update on our life. 

Right now someone is shooting off fireworks that I can see outside my new north facing back window. I’m sitting in our rental house that has new carpet, yet still smells like an old house. Part of me is tempted to use fabric softener, candles and every single trick in the chemical book to make it go away. And yet, so much of me is terrified of endocrine disruptors that instead I’ve added all the things to my cart to make a natural smell eliminator.

It’s been one month since we first started moving and only just this past Sunday did it feel like we were truly home. Granted, it still looks like an aisle of Hobby Lobby in front of me, I need to decide what to hang in this house and what to just keep in storage. Part of me doesn’t want to hang anything, part of me wants to hang it all… mostly so I don’t have to store it and also because my girls are going to live their 11th and 13th year in this house and I want them to remember it fondly. 

As of today Tim and I have read half way through our Bible in a year and I am beyond thankful for this routine that has grounded me and strengthened my own faith. Not only have I experienced growth, but our marriage has benefited greatly from this routine as well. We also listen to our church's morning prayer together via Facebook Live. These routines are something that I cherish. Spending this time together is valuable. 

Both the girls seem to be adjusting ok. Karoline recently got back from her first T1D camp. She had fun, but she was quite homesick and felt abandoned. It makes me sick thinking about how she felt. I myself was and am quite the homebody. Alex has had headaches for quite some time and she has started complaining about them more and more. We are going to get some blood work done on Thursday to see if we can figure out what is going on. I’m pretty worried about her and would appreciate your prayers for her, for answers and for really easy solutions.  

If you’ve read this far you deserve to know the rest of what I want to tell you. For Mother’s Day I got myself another Apple Watch and I’ve been wearing it more and more frequently. In the last two weeks I’ve had a harder time taking deep breaths. This is a fun little symptom my body likes to take on when I’m overwhelmed. I’m not sure if this is related to the constant connection that the watch brings. Maybe? When I try to think of why this overwhelming feeling is happening the biggest one is that I want more slow days. I simply want more summer. It’s so fleeting, it will be gone before I know it and the cold and dark will be back and I just need more summer in my life. And nearly half of my summer (and the girls’) was spent moving, and unpacking and repacking for new carpet and unpacking. In the moment I was able to be positive and thankful that with all of the moving came a lot of time with my family. That really was a blessing. I also know summer is a season and it’s ok if in this season of change for our family if we didn’t get to do all the things we normally get to do. It’s ok if I didn’t optimize all of my time to be outside time. It’s ok if I’m not as tan as I have been in the summers of the past.  

With each new season there is beauty and I do recognize and appreciate them all. With just about one month left of summer break, in which I will spend five days at training, I vow to be slower. To say no to more so that I can say yes to more games and making homemade coffee. To paint the table I want to paint. To write more. I really want to write a book. I have started so many and never finished them. I want to explore a potential new outlet for helping my husband and our future. 

So, here’s to making lists that sit for a little while. Ones that are ok to grow at a faster rate than they get checked off. Here’s to saying yes to random excursions when we want to. But the biggest, “Here’s to,” I’ve got to stick to is staying in the moment. When I can stay in the moment I don’t need five or six attempts while sitting in a movie to take a deep breath. “Elio,” is really cute by the way. 

Buy Dirt on Wide Open Spaces

I was driving my white VW Passat, with a one year old Karoline in the back seat. We had just gotten done swimming at my friend's parent's house on Dalmatian Drive. I approached the intersection of the two cut-de-sac's and I looked to my right. There was one last little lot left in the neighborhood and I wondered, why hasn't that lot sold? 

Fast forward and I can now see that God had reserved that lot for us! We bought that last little lot on Dalmatian Drive with the plan to build a house and sell it. The time has come for that plan to become a reality. We lived in this house a bit longer than we ever thought we would, and yet the plan has always been the same. This house was intended to be and is our stepping stone. 

Like the song says, you can't buy happiness, but you can buy dirt and that's what we plan to do. We are very hopeful to buy a few acres. We need, "Wide Open Spaces," so many song ref
erences. We dream of a forever home, Tim's shop with plenty of room for all of his trailers and future heavy duty equipment, a garden, chickens, an orchard, a putting green, and maybe even one day a pool. 

While all of that sounds lovely, our ultimate goal is to owe no man anything. When we left Westminster we set out with this goal in mind, it guided the purchase of our land on Dalmatian Drive, hoping and praying that this land would be the land that would allow us to leap frog in our goal. 

We LOVE this house, the location is lovely and I got to live out my childhood dream of living in a tree house. 

I was asked if I am sad to leave the home we built, and without hesitation I responded, "Nope." I am so thankful for the mindset of knowing this is a choice, this is something we GET to do. We do not have to sell this house, we do not have to move. We WANT to move. 

What's in store for us? Well, Lord willing, it will be a year of living in a camper on our land while we all work together to build our house. We are so very excited for this opportunity. Stay tuned, we plan to share the progress on our YouTube channel: @2one4life! 

A special thank you to Carla Braddy and her team for making our house look as incredible as we have always felt it is. Photo credits to Aaron Garcia of Yellow Drone Media LLC. The listing of our home: https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/523-Dalmatian-Dr-Canon-City-CO-81212/218699827_zpid/