Our morning started like any other. The girls and I got up, we had breakfast and we went to wake up daddy. Karoline excitedly ran into the bathroom to get her hair brush and then there was a thud. The kind of thud that you know is bad. At the time I was making sure Alexandra was not crawling off the bed. Instinctively I pushed her over so she could not crawl off before her dad could get to her. Not the best move on my part, but it did the job.
I rushed to Karoline and picked her up, I knew she hurt herself. When I pulled her off my shoulder to look at her face she was bleeding from her mouth. A quick scan of her teeth and I was assured that it wasn't a missing tooth. She had either bit or the impact caused her lip/check to split on the bottom right inside of her mouth. My first thought was stitches. Tim didn't think it was that bad. So, we waited for her to calm down. I put Alexandra down for a nap. While I was doing so Tim got a few more glances and thought we might need a stitch or two after all. I decided to call her pediatricians office. The nurses were very helpful and informed us that because of the location of the cut/hole there really wasn't much that stitches would help.
Laying down and resting after giving us a good scare.
Fast forward a bit. Alexandra is down for her afternoon nap and Tim has left for work. Now I finally get a clear view of her cut/hole and I'm a bit baffled. First of all, let me say that this morning the sight of Karoline's blood invoked an emotion in me that I hadn't experienced before. Then looking at her cut it was back. I didn't necessarily feel like I had failed her, but I was disappointed in the fact that she got hurt. I turned to a group of my mama friends and also sent the pictures to be seen by my elementary school nurse. Both had the same opinion, any possible stitches would cause more trauma than was necessary. But at least now I had the reassurance.Skip forward a bit more. It's after bath time and I'm getting the girls in their pajamas. Karoline tells me that she loves her sister. I tell her that that's a good thing. Especially since Alexandra will always be her sister, even in heaven. This is when she responds to me, "I'm going to stay home with daddy and you and sister are going to heaven and get to be with Jesus." Even now as I type it it gives me chills. My immediate response was to hug her and cry. She quickly told me, "Don't do that (cry)," she doesn't like to see people upset.
I got the girls into bed and sent Tim a text message of what she said. I got my house hold chores taken care of and jumped into the shower. I stood there and just stood some more. I had two thoughts. The first being, with her saying that I realized that there is nothing better in this world than being a parent and in the future I would definitely consider having more children. Having more kids is something we have talked about and joked about but really there have been no iron clad, "Yes, I'm ok (more than ok) with having more children," talks. I felt like that was an interesting revelation to come from Karoline's profound statement.
The second thought I had was one that brought a smile to my face. When Karoline said that Alexandra and I would go to heaven I was not scared for her and I. I knew that if what Karoline said had any meaning or truth to it that Alexandra and I would be set, golden, in the Kingdom of Heaven. What made me cry and hug Karoline was the thought of her not having her mom and sister here with her. I was sad at the thought of Tim and Karoline having to go through life missing us.
As a baby I was baptized Catholic. Growing up we didn't go to church every Sunday and I did not have a Christian education. My parents gave my brother and I the freedom to come to our beliefs on our own. We did go to church from time to time and there were bibles in our home and if we ever asked a question we were certainly given an answer. One of the best things my parents taught me was to be a good person, surround myself with good people and to always have an open mind.
There were some key players in my life that led me to my faith. An amazing friend and her family who are the very definition (in my mind at least) of a family of faith. Girls who were the "cool" kids but were also accepting, nice and had faith backgrounds who later became friends, best friends. A friend who came back into my life when I went to school in Fort Collins who introduced me to Iasis church. The church where I first raised my hand (I wish I knew what date that was) in front of everyone to symbolically show that I choose to be a Christ follower (fun side note, Karoline Christelle means, "Free man, Christ follower). An amazing husband who is so rock solid in his foundation and love for Christ that there is no doubt in his heart and soul that the one true King and Kingdom of Heaven await us.
All of these amazing people have helped me to learn, and my parents paved the way for me to come to this on my own. I have written blogs about taking time to learn more and read more from my bible. I have expressed my faith and I've made it known that I follow Christ. But in my mind there was always a question, one that nagged at me. One that I tried to hide from God even though I knew full well that he knew my thoughts before I even thought them, if he was real. If it all was real. I doubted myself and my faith but didn't want to admit it. Did I believe well enough, strong enough? Was I doing it right? Are my heart AND mind in the right place? Do I really believe. I think I do, I surly hope I do, I want to be in heaven and I want all of the people that I love to be there too. I want them to believe. But, do I really?
Then, my sweet two and a half year old said what she said tonight. And in her voice when she said the word, "get," my heart knew. "You get to be in heaven with Jesus." My immediate reaction to be sad for Karoline and Tim gave me my answers. I do believe, I believe with all my heart. In knowing what I know there was/is no reason for me to be sad or scared for Alexandra and myself.
Who knows if what Karoline said was what she meant to say. But I do know she has a grasp on heaven and Jesus. Just a quick example, last week my parent's had to put our childhood dog down. I explained to Karoline that Emilee was in heaven with Jesus. Her response, "Oh good, she'll like it there." She knows heaven is all things good and that Jesus is love. When she said that Alexandra and I would be in heaven she was not afraid. Not my sweet loving girl. No, she was matter of fact and spoke what came to her mind. However, she is still two and a half.
For me Karoline's statement served a purpose. A reason for me to openly express my heart, my insecurities and now my extreme JOY in knowing that I do believe the "right" way and "strong" enough. I'm so glad that she said what she said so that I can share this with all of you. I think the correct phrase is, "I am young in my faith." I do know one thing for sure, my heart is full with the love of Jesus. My hope and prayer tonight is that the ones I love who have read this will share their hearts with me so that we can learn and grow together. That I will be able to give my children the best gift I can give them, to know the love that Jesus has for them and heaven awaits them because He paid for our sins.
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