Family {of 4} Pictures

In July we had our first official (by official I mean I bought new clothes and made sure we all color coordinated--even if I did forget Tim's matching grey shorts at home, I digress) family pictures taken since becoming a family of four. Getting pictures done is always a special occasion for me because it means time spent with a very dear person. My photographer for life, Cassie Fortman of Yellow Bird Photography, took our pictures and I can't say enough about them. They are exactly what I was looking for and everything I hoped they would be.

Cassie and I share a birthday month, HELLO SEPTEMBER! She is truly a remarkable photographer and an even better friend. In honor of our birthday month I am asking you to do me a couple  of favors. First favor, if you are in need of new family pictures or event photography save this link to Cassie's site (http://www.ybphotodesign.com) and then contact her.

My second favor is that I need your help deciding which photos to use for my photo gallery wall. This wall will be one of the first things you see when you walk into our home and I don't trust myself to get it right. Thank goodness for Pinterest photo layout ideas.

Below each photo I will put a number. Please tell me your favorite number family photo that has all four of us in it. One more second choice photo would be super helpful as well!

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Thank you all! 

Running with Intention

I had my hands up above my head (partially relieving a side ache), and happy tears as I finished my run. A run that I didn't want to end.

This was how my day ended yesterday. It was a far cry from how it began.

When my husband is on day shift I wake up with him at 5am. He gets himself ready, I get his coffee and lunch ready. Something I didn't do for about eight months. Then I realized this was time I could have with him and I decided to take those early morning moments with him.

After he leaves I usually go back to bed, read my devotional app (First5 - ladies, it's awesome) and sleep for another hour or so until the girls are up and moving. Yesterday was Amazon Prime day, and I love a good deal. After spending a little time on my phone I had to get the computer. Now, I was up for the day for sure. I had what I wanted in my cart and one item was already sold out and the other wasn't working. I was so irritated with myself for "wasting" time and not getting the sleep I desperately needed (I'm fighting a chest cold brought on by allergies--I want to know why I still have allergies in July).

I heard a little voice saying, "Sister, wake up." I snuck Karoline out of her room with her sister still asleep, despite her attempt to wake her. We sat on the couch together while I decided to give my purchase one more attempt. I had to make that time I spent shopping instead of sleeping or being productive worth it. I did end up getting what I wanted and the morning wasn't a complete loss.

Yesterday was supposed to be spent going to Colorado Springs to see one of my most dear friends new baby boy. With this chest cold and drainage I decided I better keep my germs to myself. There is no way I would have been able to keep that sweet baby out of my hands. I of course would have felt terrible if I passed anything along to him.

I sent out a message to friends to see if anyone would like to join us at our neighborhood pool to try and salvage the day that was no longer going to include cuddling a sweet baby (I can smell that new baby the smell from here).

Two friends and their little girls were able to join us. We had a fine morning, but I was keeping to myself a bit. I did so enjoy their company but something was in the back of my mind. Something that was inhibiting me from feeling like I was completely there and in the moment.

After swimming I got the girls into bed for a nap and quiet time. Then sat down to go through my closet and dresser to get rid of things (I really have been irritated with just how "full" our house feels). While I was going through clothes I sent a text to one of the ladies who met us at the pool and apologized for being grumpy. This sweet friend was so kind and responded that she didn't think I was grumpy, just quiet. She said I didn't have to explain, but she was willing to listen. I have to stop right here and say just how much that text effected me. I appreciated so much the way she worded that. It makes me want to be a better friend who offers to listen. I don't know if she was ready for the can of worms that she opened, but it came pouring out. Up until that point I wasn't sure what was bothering me and had me in such a funk. A funk that was allowing me to feel my day was ruined by wasting time online shopping at 5am. This was my response to her willingness to listen...

"I feel like I can't find contentment. I'm disappointed in myself for having no drive to do or be successful at anything. I always was very involved in lots of activities growing up but never "specialized" in one thing. I can't even get the trim in our house painted and finished or start some projects that I know I want to do. I'm mad that I don't take time for God every day. I don't take time for the girls where they have my undivided attention on a daily basis. I'm a stay at home mom, shouldn't that be easy?"

And this was her response, "It's absolutely not easy. At all. Give yourself grace, it's easier said than done, I know. I'm there a lot, too. Beating myself up for not getting it all done. God is not a God of guilt or overwhelming feelings. That is not from Him."

In her beautiful response I realized two things. First, surrounding yourself with friends who will lift you up and do not commiserate with you or allow you to go down that hole is vital. I'm working on becoming that kind of friend. Second, in our sermon last week I left knowing I need to have more grace for my family and my neighbors. It was a powerful sermon and spoke to my heart (if you have an extra hour, I strongly suggest watching it here). What I failed to realize after receiving the message was I need to give myself the same grace.

Grace. Grace for myself to be content in what it is I have to do in the moment I'm in. The rest of nap time I organized. Just doing something made me feel accomplished. When the girls got up we went to the post office, made dinner, Tim came home, I gave the girls a bath and got them into bed. Earlier in the day I had talked to my aunt about our work outs. We've been encouraging each other in our fitness journey. She told me while she was running she was praying. I loved this idea. I felt like it would give even more meaning to exercising and alone time. It also would help me accomplish something I know I'm lacking, time in prayer and time with God.  I knew I needed time to myself, and even though going for a run at 8:15pm meant I would get into bed later, I went anyway. I didn't walk for near as long as I usually do and started to jog. When I leave my house I start out going uphill. I have learned over my first few days of running that I breath better while running uphill, which is a strange concept to me. Maybe I have to take deeper breathes or something. As I began to run I had a worship song playing and I started to pray. I was naming everyone I was thankful for, when I said their names I prayed that they would be blessed. I was more than a quarter of the way done through my run before I took a break to walk. My break was shorter than normal and I started running again without playing mind games of choosing what land mark I would start running at again. I ran, I prayed. I stopped when I saw a field of weeds. They were weeds, but something about them was intriguing, the lines, the way they moved in the wind. I was thankful for them, thankful for all the things God made.

Close to my cool down and walk point, I put my hands up in the air, out of joy and to relieve my side ache. I had happy tears. I ran, and it was the best run yet, on so many levels.

This morning when I opened my First5 devotional app I was blown away that it completely wrapped up my feelings from yesterday.

"Experiencing more of God often requires us to step away from the normal so we can fully participate  in the exceptional. But that can be hard to do. Even though nothing can compare to being in God's presence, we may find ourselves struggling to let go of our daily routines. To do less so we can experience more of Him. To set aside all that's grabbing our attention so we can completely give our devotion to the Lord." 

...

"How often do we choose the normal and forfeit the exceptional? And we wonder why we're so exhausted all the time -- feeling spiritually depleted and emotionally dry. Could it be that our sense of loneliness and desire for more community is really a symptom from rushing through our intimate time with the One who matters the most?"

My trim isn't getting painted any time soon, I have lots of things to organize, things I want to do. Things I want to be good at and put time into. This morning I was greeted with a changed heart and a new perspective on all of those wants. I was up early and ready to accomplish things. I read the First5 app, read my devotional, read my bible and then went about my day, already feeling accomplished. 

I pray your day is blessed. 

To the wife who's husband doesn't work normal hours...

To the wife who's husband doesn't work normal hours,

It stinks, doesn't it? Sitting at the table on Saturday morning listening to your kids play, scream and sing, by yourself. Falling asleep with your husband one night, but not the next. Staying up long past being tired so that you can make sure that none of the noises you hear (which are never there when your husband is home) are a threat. Waking up to an empty bed. Getting meals ready at different times every few days to accommodate the ever changing schedule. Finding ways to get out of the house when he is on night shifts or shushing a child all day long. Finding things to keep you busy, because twelve hour shifts are long, too long to be home all day. Asking friends to join you for adventures, but none are available because their husbands are home. Finding it nearly impossible to keep up with housework or do any project of any sort because of the changing schedule and wanting to soak up all of the time that they are home. Not finding time to work out, the changing schedule doesn't allow for a routine. Watching your husband leave and return from work with the same red, tired eyes. Waiting to have important conversations until you know he has had some decent sleep. Not asking for help with the kids because you know he's already had a long day. Going to events, many events, on your own. Celebrating holidays when you can. Doing what you have to do to survive just you and the kids and then transitioning to the dynamic of him being home (a welcome change, but a change). Taking the kids to appointments, on your own. Missing your husband even though you see him every day (for a few hours before he's asleep).

I definitely took for granted the fact that my dad worked from 7am-3pm, Monday-Friday and that my mom's schedule matched his. What a blessing that was.

I recognize that compared to a husband who is deployed, an ever changing schedule is a welcome nuisance.

To my husband, and the all the husbands who also have odd hours, thank you for providing for your family. You are appreciated beyond measure!

To the wives who are reading this, you aren't alone. After living in a bigger city for five years now, I realize that not normal, is normal. Whatever your hours are today, you are strong, we are strong! Through it all we keep our husbands and families afloat. Go us! My children are dressing themselves, I guess they are telling me it's time to figure out what to do to keep us busy today!

Sweet Karoline, You're Four

Karoline, when I was pregnant with you I walked to the mailbox every day. Ashamedly, I felt like this counted as exercise. After you were born, the first place I went on my own was to the mail box. I felt free and a bit of normalcy in that half of a block walk. I had a very hard time leaving you or anyone leaving us at the time, this was a big step for me.

When we moved into our condo in Golden you and I would walk to the park every day and grab the mail on our way by. I would read it as we sat and you watched the world go by in your stroller. Eventually you learned to play on the toys. You took yourself down the slide at 10 months old and my mail reading had to wait until we returned home.

After another move and getting settled into our house we would walk to the mail box around the corner.  Most of the time you would ride in your, "beep beep" to go get the mail. Over the last two years you have evolved to helping me push your sister in the stroller, when she will let you, or riding your bike. A few weeks ago I thought I saw something when we were getting the mail but I somewhat refused to believe it.

Low and behold just a few short days later you had figured it for yourself.

Before turning four you have grown tall enough to open the mail box! I wasn't prepared for this to effect me like it has. These pictures force me to realize you really are growing before my eyes.

Today, on your fourth birthday, I'm reminded that you will continue to grow as the years pass. My darling girl, you are kind, compassionate and loving. You have become a beautiful young lady, inside and out, and we love you so very much. Happy birthday, Karoline!

Bathrooms, Pop Icons, Hungry Babies and My Goliath

For weeks I've been trying to find a way to eloquently voice my opinion about hot topics in our society...

I was sitting in church listening to a teaching on David and Goliath. "We all have our Goliath," Pastor Jim said. In my head I'm thinking, thank goodness that I am not struggling with what so many around me are. I've been extremely fortunate, we are not dealing with sickness, infertility, abandonment or estranged family members. Even further, I know I will be able to provide food, water and shelter for my children. An extreme luxury compared to many around the world. 

I know my Goliath and I know it well. It's haunted me this month more so than it ever has in the past. Worry, my Goliath is worry. Worry about the state I live in, the state of my country and the world around me. The world I am raising my girls in.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the death of pop stars receiving more attention than the children who are hungry, beaten and have nothing. The anger and frustration about politics that spews from social media outlets baffles me. So much hate. Bathroom controversy is a double edged sword. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't agree or disagree with the current bathroom arrangements that are taking place in our country. Gun control, gay marriage, home school vs public school, breastfeeding in public and so many more touchy subjects clutter the social and mass media portals with opinions laced in hate and distain. 

Do I have an opinion on these matters, of course. If I voice my opinion, am I viewed as someone who joins a movement or hates? Maybe I view some things one way and others on the opposite side of the spectrum. If my opinion isn't the popular opinion, or what if it is, am I spreading any good by stating it? Does engaging in a Facebook argument about a bathroom and it's occupants on either side (for or against) worth it? What if I'm silent? Do I then get put into the category of people who don't care or try to sweep the dust under the rug?

Last week I was so upset about all the changes in our world that I had to stop and realize that it was negatively impacting my day to day. I was worried, fearful and scared. On a personal level, my husband and I worry about having more children. We want more kids. But, we don't know if we can take care of them if things in our world take a turn for the worst. Wrestling with this is robbing me of the unexplainable, unsurmountable joy of my future children. I had to remind myself to look for the helpers, look for the good and find the lights in the world. As a mother to two girls I know that emotions and worry will one day find them. They will turn to me for guidance and help. What will I say to them? 

Back to sitting in church, in the midst of my thoughts Pastor Jim reminds us that the world view of David would never have been enough to conquer Goliath. But with God all things are possible. God is the same every day. God has gone before us and He is behind us and He IS with us! As these words and the message surrounded me my heart was lifted, my worry started to dissipate. It felt as though God had his hand on me and His message was loud and clear. It's all going to be okay. Don't worry. I know the way in which you will go and if you have put your faith in me you know where you will end up. Whatever you may encounter here, on this earth, will be part of my plan. Be still and know...

That is what I will tell my girls. That is what I will teach them. We will look for the good and focus on the positive plan we are not in control of. Should hard times and misfortune find their way to our doorstep we will turn to God and find comfort in knowing where we will end up one day.

In the closing of the sermon, as I wiped tears of joy and relief from my face, there was one last message. Pastor Jim somewhat pleaded that we stop comparing ourselves to others. What a great thing for a pastor to say. There is no one on this earth worth comparing ourselves to. He continued, "Focus on Jesus, be like him, be the good in the world and shine a light on to those around you."

If I don't compare myself to those around me then I don't need to make a bold statement about a bathroom or a politician. Instead, I can focus that energy on taking the good I see and spreading it back out to the world.

Alexandra Elizabeth, you're two!

Oh Danda, that's what we call you. Let me take a moment to explain... Had someone told me we would call you Danda I would have thought they were crazy. When we brought you home Karoline pronounced your name, "Alex-a-danda," and the Danda part stuck. There are variations, sometimes I call you my Dandy girl, Xanda, Danda-lion, Danda girl, Danda love (and on and on)... either way, I love you my little Dandy and I hope you're not embarrassed of this nickname when you are older. If you are, I promise to only use it at home.

This last year you have grown and changed in so many ways. You are turning into a little person and I love your personality. You are kind and sharing (most of the time-you are two after all). You love your family and your friends. You're outgoing and reserved when you need to be. You're willing to try new things, especially if you see Karoline doing them. Watching you love your sister is a treasure that I'm thankful I get to witness.  It gives me insight on the love my brother has for me. You're a creature of habit, yet when we have to change up your routine you respond wonderfully. Our out of the ordinary days go better than I could ever even expect. Thank you for being so versatile and easy going. You have potty trained yourself in the last few weeks and today you made it clear you are ready for panties. This may be the one area in which I am thankful you are eager to be a big girl!

You taught me that teething is a real thing. You tried all new foods and conquered your food allergies. You threw up more than your sister ever did and pooped in the tub more times than I can count. These sort of mishaps have gone from a code red on my scale of disaster to a nuisance since you've given me plenty of practice. Even when you're sick you are easy going.

As you learn to talk you're showing me that you have opinions. You might be a second child, but you are more of a leader than we expected. I love this about you. My hope and prayer is that you and your sister will build each other up as you grow.

My sweet Danda, I must confess that I thought I lost your birth photo on two different occasions. At first I thought the picture was never taken by the nurse, I was truly heartbroken. I think I thought it was your sisters when I first looked at the camera. I admit I had not cleared out that camera card before going to the hospital with you. Then one day I looked at them again and I realized that the blankets on the babies were different. I had your birth photo! I was overjoyed! Then I thought I had put it on the computer and our computer crashed, we lost all of the pictures that had not been backed up. I was distraught thinking I had lost it, again! Thank goodness it was still on the camera card, good thing I'm so bad about clearing that out. Shoot! Make that three times, as I went to attach it below it would not show on the iPhoto reel, thank the Lord it was on the card I just had to find it through another photo viewer. Rest assured, I have just uploaded it to Shutterfly and here, after much delay, it is for you.

28 hours of labor later it was finally time to meet you.

You are two and the day you were born was one of the VERY BEST days of my life. You're becoming one of my best friends and I am so thankful you picked me to be your mom.

I love you, squirt. Happy birthday!

Lonely.

I'm a stay at home mom. My children are always around. Yet, there are times that I feel so lonely. My mom has recently told me that she misses having small children so much that it hurts at times. "It's lonely to no longer have your kids in your home," she tells me. This makes total sense to me. How is it that I have moments of being lonely even while my children are clinging to me?

After confiding in a friend who was honest to me and admitted her loneliness it became a theme of my week. I was curious how now myself and two other women in my life have had this same revelation in the same week? 

I was able to pinpoint where this loneliness was coming from. The idea that my best friend, someone who fit the mold of my missing piece so perfectly that we have become closer, faster than any other friend I've had in the past, may move in the near future. The pending move isn't 100% a go, but the idea is there. My heart breaks at the idea. 

This led me to believe that friendship and having women in my life are pretty important to me and my daily attitude. My husband is indeed my best friend. However, women need other women. Women to go to Target with, to compare recipes with and to talk about nothing and everything with.

I'm going to go out on a limb an say that loneliness isn't an uncommon emotion felt by women. I myself am not one to allow myself to label things, especially if it would be considered a "weakness." I've figured out my problem and the source of the problem, now I needed a solution. 

My solution came in reaching out to other friends. Arranging a get together, even if only one other friend out of the bunch can make it it will still be worth the effort. Next step was to do something for someone else. So, I baked. I baked a batch of organic veggie muffins to share with friends. 

I want to note that I don't think being lonely or admitting you're lonely is a weakness. It would have become a weakness if I would have allowed it to consume me. At weak moments there are times where this happens. I'm thankful for my husband who brings me back to reality. I'm thankful for women in my life who support me and who are there for me when I need them. Even if that means they are there to give muffins to. 

We all have our moments. My goal is to make sure the when those moments arrive I have emergency exits in place. Exits and bubbles, because my children and my household depend on me. My attitude effects them all and sets the tone each and every day. Bowing bubbles with smiling little girls certainly brightens a sub-par day and a little bubble of hope is sometimes all you need.