To the wife who's husband doesn't work normal hours...

To the wife who's husband doesn't work normal hours,

It stinks, doesn't it? Sitting at the table on Saturday morning listening to your kids play, scream and sing, by yourself. Falling asleep with your husband one night, but not the next. Staying up long past being tired so that you can make sure that none of the noises you hear (which are never there when your husband is home) are a threat. Waking up to an empty bed. Getting meals ready at different times every few days to accommodate the ever changing schedule. Finding ways to get out of the house when he is on night shifts or shushing a child all day long. Finding things to keep you busy, because twelve hour shifts are long, too long to be home all day. Asking friends to join you for adventures, but none are available because their husbands are home. Finding it nearly impossible to keep up with housework or do any project of any sort because of the changing schedule and wanting to soak up all of the time that they are home. Not finding time to work out, the changing schedule doesn't allow for a routine. Watching your husband leave and return from work with the same red, tired eyes. Waiting to have important conversations until you know he has had some decent sleep. Not asking for help with the kids because you know he's already had a long day. Going to events, many events, on your own. Celebrating holidays when you can. Doing what you have to do to survive just you and the kids and then transitioning to the dynamic of him being home (a welcome change, but a change). Taking the kids to appointments, on your own. Missing your husband even though you see him every day (for a few hours before he's asleep).

I definitely took for granted the fact that my dad worked from 7am-3pm, Monday-Friday and that my mom's schedule matched his. What a blessing that was.

I recognize that compared to a husband who is deployed, an ever changing schedule is a welcome nuisance.

To my husband, and the all the husbands who also have odd hours, thank you for providing for your family. You are appreciated beyond measure!

To the wives who are reading this, you aren't alone. After living in a bigger city for five years now, I realize that not normal, is normal. Whatever your hours are today, you are strong, we are strong! Through it all we keep our husbands and families afloat. Go us! My children are dressing themselves, I guess they are telling me it's time to figure out what to do to keep us busy today!

Sweet Karoline, You're Four

Karoline, when I was pregnant with you I walked to the mailbox every day. Ashamedly, I felt like this counted as exercise. After you were born, the first place I went on my own was to the mail box. I felt free and a bit of normalcy in that half of a block walk. I had a very hard time leaving you or anyone leaving us at the time, this was a big step for me.

When we moved into our condo in Golden you and I would walk to the park every day and grab the mail on our way by. I would read it as we sat and you watched the world go by in your stroller. Eventually you learned to play on the toys. You took yourself down the slide at 10 months old and my mail reading had to wait until we returned home.

After another move and getting settled into our house we would walk to the mail box around the corner.  Most of the time you would ride in your, "beep beep" to go get the mail. Over the last two years you have evolved to helping me push your sister in the stroller, when she will let you, or riding your bike. A few weeks ago I thought I saw something when we were getting the mail but I somewhat refused to believe it.

Low and behold just a few short days later you had figured it for yourself.

Before turning four you have grown tall enough to open the mail box! I wasn't prepared for this to effect me like it has. These pictures force me to realize you really are growing before my eyes.

Today, on your fourth birthday, I'm reminded that you will continue to grow as the years pass. My darling girl, you are kind, compassionate and loving. You have become a beautiful young lady, inside and out, and we love you so very much. Happy birthday, Karoline!

Bathrooms, Pop Icons, Hungry Babies and My Goliath

For weeks I've been trying to find a way to eloquently voice my opinion about hot topics in our society...

I was sitting in church listening to a teaching on David and Goliath. "We all have our Goliath," Pastor Jim said. In my head I'm thinking, thank goodness that I am not struggling with what so many around me are. I've been extremely fortunate, we are not dealing with sickness, infertility, abandonment or estranged family members. Even further, I know I will be able to provide food, water and shelter for my children. An extreme luxury compared to many around the world. 

I know my Goliath and I know it well. It's haunted me this month more so than it ever has in the past. Worry, my Goliath is worry. Worry about the state I live in, the state of my country and the world around me. The world I am raising my girls in.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the death of pop stars receiving more attention than the children who are hungry, beaten and have nothing. The anger and frustration about politics that spews from social media outlets baffles me. So much hate. Bathroom controversy is a double edged sword. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't agree or disagree with the current bathroom arrangements that are taking place in our country. Gun control, gay marriage, home school vs public school, breastfeeding in public and so many more touchy subjects clutter the social and mass media portals with opinions laced in hate and distain. 

Do I have an opinion on these matters, of course. If I voice my opinion, am I viewed as someone who joins a movement or hates? Maybe I view some things one way and others on the opposite side of the spectrum. If my opinion isn't the popular opinion, or what if it is, am I spreading any good by stating it? Does engaging in a Facebook argument about a bathroom and it's occupants on either side (for or against) worth it? What if I'm silent? Do I then get put into the category of people who don't care or try to sweep the dust under the rug?

Last week I was so upset about all the changes in our world that I had to stop and realize that it was negatively impacting my day to day. I was worried, fearful and scared. On a personal level, my husband and I worry about having more children. We want more kids. But, we don't know if we can take care of them if things in our world take a turn for the worst. Wrestling with this is robbing me of the unexplainable, unsurmountable joy of my future children. I had to remind myself to look for the helpers, look for the good and find the lights in the world. As a mother to two girls I know that emotions and worry will one day find them. They will turn to me for guidance and help. What will I say to them? 

Back to sitting in church, in the midst of my thoughts Pastor Jim reminds us that the world view of David would never have been enough to conquer Goliath. But with God all things are possible. God is the same every day. God has gone before us and He is behind us and He IS with us! As these words and the message surrounded me my heart was lifted, my worry started to dissipate. It felt as though God had his hand on me and His message was loud and clear. It's all going to be okay. Don't worry. I know the way in which you will go and if you have put your faith in me you know where you will end up. Whatever you may encounter here, on this earth, will be part of my plan. Be still and know...

That is what I will tell my girls. That is what I will teach them. We will look for the good and focus on the positive plan we are not in control of. Should hard times and misfortune find their way to our doorstep we will turn to God and find comfort in knowing where we will end up one day.

In the closing of the sermon, as I wiped tears of joy and relief from my face, there was one last message. Pastor Jim somewhat pleaded that we stop comparing ourselves to others. What a great thing for a pastor to say. There is no one on this earth worth comparing ourselves to. He continued, "Focus on Jesus, be like him, be the good in the world and shine a light on to those around you."

If I don't compare myself to those around me then I don't need to make a bold statement about a bathroom or a politician. Instead, I can focus that energy on taking the good I see and spreading it back out to the world.

Alexandra Elizabeth, you're two!

Oh Danda, that's what we call you. Let me take a moment to explain... Had someone told me we would call you Danda I would have thought they were crazy. When we brought you home Karoline pronounced your name, "Alex-a-danda," and the Danda part stuck. There are variations, sometimes I call you my Dandy girl, Xanda, Danda-lion, Danda girl, Danda love (and on and on)... either way, I love you my little Dandy and I hope you're not embarrassed of this nickname when you are older. If you are, I promise to only use it at home.

This last year you have grown and changed in so many ways. You are turning into a little person and I love your personality. You are kind and sharing (most of the time-you are two after all). You love your family and your friends. You're outgoing and reserved when you need to be. You're willing to try new things, especially if you see Karoline doing them. Watching you love your sister is a treasure that I'm thankful I get to witness.  It gives me insight on the love my brother has for me. You're a creature of habit, yet when we have to change up your routine you respond wonderfully. Our out of the ordinary days go better than I could ever even expect. Thank you for being so versatile and easy going. You have potty trained yourself in the last few weeks and today you made it clear you are ready for panties. This may be the one area in which I am thankful you are eager to be a big girl!

You taught me that teething is a real thing. You tried all new foods and conquered your food allergies. You threw up more than your sister ever did and pooped in the tub more times than I can count. These sort of mishaps have gone from a code red on my scale of disaster to a nuisance since you've given me plenty of practice. Even when you're sick you are easy going.

As you learn to talk you're showing me that you have opinions. You might be a second child, but you are more of a leader than we expected. I love this about you. My hope and prayer is that you and your sister will build each other up as you grow.

My sweet Danda, I must confess that I thought I lost your birth photo on two different occasions. At first I thought the picture was never taken by the nurse, I was truly heartbroken. I think I thought it was your sisters when I first looked at the camera. I admit I had not cleared out that camera card before going to the hospital with you. Then one day I looked at them again and I realized that the blankets on the babies were different. I had your birth photo! I was overjoyed! Then I thought I had put it on the computer and our computer crashed, we lost all of the pictures that had not been backed up. I was distraught thinking I had lost it, again! Thank goodness it was still on the camera card, good thing I'm so bad about clearing that out. Shoot! Make that three times, as I went to attach it below it would not show on the iPhoto reel, thank the Lord it was on the card I just had to find it through another photo viewer. Rest assured, I have just uploaded it to Shutterfly and here, after much delay, it is for you.

28 hours of labor later it was finally time to meet you.

You are two and the day you were born was one of the VERY BEST days of my life. You're becoming one of my best friends and I am so thankful you picked me to be your mom.

I love you, squirt. Happy birthday!

Lonely.

I'm a stay at home mom. My children are always around. Yet, there are times that I feel so lonely. My mom has recently told me that she misses having small children so much that it hurts at times. "It's lonely to no longer have your kids in your home," she tells me. This makes total sense to me. How is it that I have moments of being lonely even while my children are clinging to me?

After confiding in a friend who was honest to me and admitted her loneliness it became a theme of my week. I was curious how now myself and two other women in my life have had this same revelation in the same week? 

I was able to pinpoint where this loneliness was coming from. The idea that my best friend, someone who fit the mold of my missing piece so perfectly that we have become closer, faster than any other friend I've had in the past, may move in the near future. The pending move isn't 100% a go, but the idea is there. My heart breaks at the idea. 

This led me to believe that friendship and having women in my life are pretty important to me and my daily attitude. My husband is indeed my best friend. However, women need other women. Women to go to Target with, to compare recipes with and to talk about nothing and everything with.

I'm going to go out on a limb an say that loneliness isn't an uncommon emotion felt by women. I myself am not one to allow myself to label things, especially if it would be considered a "weakness." I've figured out my problem and the source of the problem, now I needed a solution. 

My solution came in reaching out to other friends. Arranging a get together, even if only one other friend out of the bunch can make it it will still be worth the effort. Next step was to do something for someone else. So, I baked. I baked a batch of organic veggie muffins to share with friends. 

I want to note that I don't think being lonely or admitting you're lonely is a weakness. It would have become a weakness if I would have allowed it to consume me. At weak moments there are times where this happens. I'm thankful for my husband who brings me back to reality. I'm thankful for women in my life who support me and who are there for me when I need them. Even if that means they are there to give muffins to. 

We all have our moments. My goal is to make sure the when those moments arrive I have emergency exits in place. Exits and bubbles, because my children and my household depend on me. My attitude effects them all and sets the tone each and every day. Bowing bubbles with smiling little girls certainly brightens a sub-par day and a little bubble of hope is sometimes all you need. 

Be Fruitful and Multiply

As our days go on we are finding comfort in our routine and our lives as a family of four. There are days that go quite well. The good days are starting to outnumber the rough ones.

Right now I am being serenaded by upside down Easter buckets and a collection of wooden sticks (you can listen on Instagram: @jamiereed26). I'm not going crazy or begging for the noise to stop. I think I've become numb. Maybe it's this numbness, or maybe it's knowing they are content and happy, that brought this new idea into my head. The idea that I could handle a third child. Not even handle, but want... at times. The crazy part is that it's not even three in my head it's four. When I pictured my life I pictured four kids. I always wanted an SUV (rookie move, I now know the awesomeness of the mini-van) and two kids in each row of seats.

Alexandra's first year of life was much easier than this last year has been. There are now two little girls with opinions and voices. In this last year we have asked ourselves numerous times, "What were we thinking?" Or have said, "Two kids, that's it." Even with knowing the crazy, non-stop life of two kids in two years I still have a part of me that is aching, as I also beam with joy, as my babies grow into little people.

I think this is where God built in a back up plan with, "Be fruitful and multiply." In my head two kids makes total sense. We can afford the needs of two kids, and most of the wants. Our house holds 4 people, we fit at a standard table, I have enough love for two kids and enough arms and hands. I've given away a lot of baby things, we are so close to being done with diapers. Yet, I know that with any additional baby or even a chance of a baby my heart would grow and life without said baby wouldn't even be imaginable. While two kids makes total sense there are those moments, usually about once or twice a month (dumb hormones), that make me think that we are missing a piece.

I don't know how many babies we will have. Maybe we are done with our two, they are pretty darn awesome. This topic is ever present and I think about it daily. It's amazes me that not even days after having a baby a mom gets the question, "Are you going to have any more?" At that point in time my most favorite response is, "We're taking it one at a time."

Let Them Be Little

It was never my plan to have two kids in two years. However, when you're extremely fertile and hormones get the best of you and give you the wild idea to give it a shot for another spring baby before waiting one year, you get said spring baby. What does it mean to be a mom to two little girls, born just 23 months apart? I suppose that's different for everyone with this age gap. For me it means constantly moving, reevaluation and change.

When my first was born I was consumed with sharing every new thing she did. By sharing I mean bragging. We are all so proud of our kids. Shoot, lately I find myself blown away by every painting, tower built and creation made by her little hands. Before she turned one I boasted that she rolled, walked, talked ... you get the idea. You also know "those" moms on social media. Ashamedly, I was one of them.

Sweet Karoline Christelle, one month old.

She was my world and my every day. I viewed her as a responsibility. Not so much a little person for me to enjoy.

Then before I knew it, there were two. Two little girls.

Alexandra Elizabeth

Somehow things changed. I realized that it really wasn't as hard as I was making it. This baby either needed to eat, sleep or poop. It didn't have to be, and wasn't, much harder than that. She would roll, eat solids, walk, talk and accomplish every milestone when she was ready. I wouldn't push her or compare her to others. Instead we would enjoy the ride and go with it. She slept in bed with me, learned to sleep on her own and learned to sleep through the night with minimal effort.

This little baby would smile just at mere recognition. So happy to not be fussed over and over analyzed.

Soon this baby would turn one and all would change.

Now I have two toddlers, but one is starting to resemble a little kid. The two of them fight, scream and holler as they express their independence. There are times they play and love to learn together. Until they get hungry and then the fights in-sue once more. Time for a snack, food is a fabulous diversion.

My mornings are down right insane. I wake up just a few minutes before them so I can get myself ready before entering their room. If I don't I have a very hard time making time (notice I didn't say have, we all have the time, it's a choice to make it) to get ready. Once they are free from their beds it's non-stop. I'm blessed to be a stay at home mom. That being said, I sometimes feel as though I move more and stay just as busy as I would at any job, maybe more so. Before we can get downstairs they need to potty, brush teeth and get dressed. They want to do all of this on their own but they need the help to have it all done right away. They really are very demanding about this whole routine. Down the stairs we go. They need to have breakfast, have a drink and they want all of that instantly and don't want to wait. I don't dare run out of bananas or quick breakfast option. Once they are finally in their seats I have a few minutes to get the dishwasher unloaded. I try and sit down and eat with them, that's a rookie mistake. Anyone who has ever unloaded a dishwasher with a kid around knows the importance of doing this chore while they are contained.

With all of their demands and constant needs I have to remember, I am their whole world. They need me for absolutely everything. While my child, who looks more like a kid, is learning how to do things on her own she still needs my constant permission and reassurance. I am the key to their happiness. That sentence is one that strikes me as something far more important that just seven words. Their days, their moods and their lives all depend on me. My attitude as I walk into their room and tend to their basic necessites in the morning sets the tone for the day. A day that is their day too. There are some days that errands must be ran and the house must be cleaned. However, those days are still their days, days that we won't have again. Finding time to allow them to be kids has become a priority. This seems so simple. I really didn't grasp this idea until having two kids. Knowing their limitations and comfort levels are daily goals of mine. On the days that I keep this in mind we are happier and my kids smile more. My lists may stay long because of it, but I know one day they won't be. One day my closet and shoes will be organized again and the laundry will be done. That day I will miss this crazy time my in life.

As a mom of two little ones I have learned that it is a choice for me to be overwhelmed. Things actually can wait (imagine that). In the thick of it all constant reassurance and reminding of this fact is necessary. I write it down on a sticky note and put it where I can see it often. I make lists and let the things I'm using valuable brain space for escape as I write them.

My kids make messes, they love it, it's what they do. They take things out of each others hands. They get fussy they yell. But, they forgive and forget so easily. They are comforted by their blankets and by me. A hug (and a snack) go a long way. As our days pass even faster than ever before I am amazed at how quickly they are learning to play together for longer periods at a time. I hope to nurture and encourage this relationship as it grows into a life long friendship as sisters.

The key to my happiness is in MY outlook and attitude. It's in how I respond and react to them. It's in knowing that I am going to have to tell them the same thing over and over, day after day. That is my job. I am to bring them up right and follow through so they have reassurance and comfort in routine and boundaries. This is how we survive and have good days. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of days where this recipe for success just flat doesn't work. Did you read about our Christmas? It is on the days when I try to be my best version of Mary Poppins and it blows up in my face that I have to remember that they are young. I count to ten, clench my teeth, send them to the corner, hide in the bathroom and do whatever it takes to get through the day. It is not easy. It is however, worth it. Worth it for them to see me start a new day with a smile. There is always a bright side and always a silver lining to every situation. Hang in there mama's, they won't be little for long!